Leading with Anxiety

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

In 2006, I worked for a small nonprofit dedicated to keeping kids with disabilities out of institutions and with families. It should have been my dream job. It would give me the opportunity to combine my skills as a policy analyst with my love for coalition building. The job was aligned with my values. There was a clear sense of purpose, and I was empowered and trusted to work independently.

Yet, I arrived at work each day shaking with anxiety. I just knew that, at any moment, my coworkers would find out that I was not what I seemed to be. I looked at their friendly faces and read their inner thoughts: “Wow, he really doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

When I had phone calls to make, I always stepped out of the office. I dared not have a conversation with a stakeholder within ear shot of my boss, lest she hear my incompetence and come rushing into my office to take over the call. I dreaded what I would tell my wife when she learned that I had lost yet another job due to my incompetence.

With the onset of panic attacks, I eventually crumbled. I lost my inner resilience. It felt like I’d hit each pothole along my path with flat tires. I stopped bouncing back. I self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. I made no progress at work.

Eventually, my boss pulled me into her office and counseled me about my poor performance. The looks on my teammates faces now matched the inner voice I had projected upon them. Instead of accepting the feedback and improving, I shrunk under the weight of shame. I was soon asked to leave. I had to tell my wife that I had lost yet another job due to incompetence.

This is the terrible reality of anxiety disorder. The inner voice that creates phantom threats eventually brings those threats into reality. What you imagine, you make real.

Many leaders with anxiety disorder find little pleasure in their work. Some remain stuck in place far below their potential. Others decide not to dream of something better, dreading the terrible shame of failure. Some are masters at appearances, hiding the inner turmoil.

For me, the downward spiral lead to increased drug use, creating a living nightmare. I lost my family, home, career, and freedom.

Strangely, even though I had studied both psychology and social work, I never accepted that it was the anxiety disorder that was ravaging my life. Instead, I believed that each failure meant that “I was a failure.” I internalized what I had heard from people nearly all my life – that I should “just calm down”, “stop overthinking”, “chill out.”

A dear friend sent me a workbook on anxiety disorder. I gave some of the exercises a try. I stepped back from my thoughts and merely observed them. I began to see that imagined threats were rising to the surface as though from a boiling cauldron. The fear itself was the only constant. The thoughts were merely my brain trying to create an explanation for why I was afraid.

I decided to get some help. For me, that meant psychotherapy and psychiatric help. There are many routes to recovery, and that was what worked for me. Others find the recovery that work for them. Recovery is not only possible, its likely for those who seek help.

I learned that accepting my anxiety and seeking help was an act of leadership. I let go of the story I was telling myself that anxiety was a personal failing. For the first time in my life, I was in charge of my mental state. I was responsible for my own recovery, captain of my own mental health.

The decision to take charge impacted my life and work in wonderful ways. Unburdened by the stories I used to tell myself, I could see situations more clearly. Instead of the obsessive focus on how I appeared to others, I could focus on the being effective at work and in my relationships.

Work life became fun and meaningful. Having experienced limiting beliefs that derailed my career, I was attuned to team members who were also burdened by limiting beliefs and anxieties. I invited them to show up imperfectly so that they could grow. I made it a point to see and name the leadership qualities I saw in them, giving them a realistic picture of the impact that they were having. Helping leaders to connect with their resilience and purpose are the most satisfying moments in my career.

Today, I’m a leadership coach and trainer. I help purpose-driven leaders to create resilient teams. I help people take charge in their lives and careers – internally and externally. Leadership from the inside out.

For those interested in coaching, it is important to know that coaching is not psychotherapy. For people who have taken charge of their mental health, coaching is a valuable tool for getting unstuck from limiting beliefs and connecting with one’s boundless inner resources.

If you are interested in leadership development training for your team or individual coaching, reach out to me at doug@d-degree.com.